Etiquette in Australia by Mrs Erskine
published by William Brooks & Co, Sydney in 1911.
Speak to any person of the most mature years about the giving of presents and one of the comments they will inevitably make is that the younger generations never thank them adequately for their gifts.
In this age of letters, faxes, e-mail, SMS, instant-messaging, Facebook pokes and phone calls, what is the acceptable etiquette of thanking someone for a gift? And how do we broach the gulf in expectations and understanding between generations?
As a child brought up in an age when mail was the only reasonable way of communicating with friends and family members who lived some distance away, my grandmother would have, as a matter of course, written thank you letters on many hundreds of occasions. Thank you for your gift. Thank you for your hospitality. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your sympathy. It was the accepted way of acknowledging the effort and thought another person had extended towards you.
She, like many of her generation, therefore expects (and extends) written acknowledgement of gifts. And the acknowledgement should be prompt. I’ve watched her sit down on Boxing Day morning with a set of note cards, writing thanks for gifts she received on Christmas Day.
Her great-grandchildren, on the other hand, are natives of the digital-generation. For them communication with people half a world away can be instantaneous and can take a great many forms. Asking an eleven year old to sit down with paper and a pen and handwrite a number of thank you letters after a birthday party, is akin to asking them to pull their fingernails out one by one (and just as torturous for the parent concerned).
Yet, I persist in nagging my daughters to write thank you letters after their birthdays because to me, the very act of writing the note to the giver of a gift forces you to contemplate and appreciate the effort and thought that went into the selection of the present (or the writing of the cheque!) and communicate this appreciation.
I let the youngest cheat a little, by just asking her to sign her name on letters I’ve written for her. It’s not that difficult, but it does require some effort on their behalf, and they need to do it within a day (or three or four…) of receiving the gift.
I do however, have my own special 'thank you caveat'…I don’t make the girls write Christmas gift thank you letters, and I don’t write them myself. We thank people personally or ring them because let’s face it, who wants to spend the Christmas break forcing children to write letters when there are beaches to be visited, and icecreams to be eaten?
Perhaps I’m old-fashioned and out-of-touch to insist my girls send thank you letters through the post? Perhaps it would be just as acceptable for them to SMS their thanks? Or send e-mails? Maybe they could just phone everyone? Or instant-message them if they catch them on-line?
I worry though, that a pain-free and fleeting method of communicating a ‘thank you’, removes the contemplation time a written note involves. A ‘thank you’ can be casually tossed out verbally with very little actual thought.
Some of those methods may not meet the expectations of all of the givers either. Anything short of a handwritten envelope in the mailbox with a stamp attached may come up short of my grandmother's generation's requirements, and with gift-giving being a two-way process is it not disrespectful and inconsiderate to refuse to play the part that generation expects?
Maybe I need to develop a multi-tiered system of thank you categories depending on the age and expectations of the gift-givers? Handwritten letters for great-grandmothers, word-processed letters for grandparents and great-aunts, e-mails for anyone internet-friendly, and a casual verbal, ‘Thanks,’ for school friends?
What do you suggest? (But please, don’t expect me to handwrite a thank you letter for your advice!)
15 comments:
I am of the older generation. (68 years old) I still write thank you notes to friends and relatives. And if someone gives me something like jewelry or clothing, I try to wear it so they see me wearing it. That is another way to show appreciation for a gift. A picture of a baby in the gift of clothes and the thank you written on the back of the picture is always a nice way to say thank you to the giver. But, as you indicated times are changing. So I look forward with interest to the comments and viewpoints of the others.
I think a hand-written, snail-mail posted letter is still the most appropriate thank you for most situations.
We write thank yous for birthday gifts but not christmas gifts. My 10yo usually hand-writes the thank yous but my 8yo types them because he finds handwriting difficult.
Whatever way they do them, I insist on a personally signed note.
I don't think a bulk email saying "Hi everyone, thank you for your gift, Love X" is good enough. It leaves me wondering whether they even matched the right gifts to the right gift-giver.
Bring back the thank you note I say!
Birthdays and Christmas I take a picture of my girls with the gift (playing with the toy, wearing the clothing). Then I email a thank you note with the picture attached. Now my girls are older I get them to dictate what I'm writing in the email.
Oh, grandparents and great grand parents must absolutely have a hand written stamped sealed and posted thank you note!
Who doesn't love getting something handwritten in the post?! It's like treasure amidst all the junk mail advertising.
I like the emailed photo of the gift being enjoyed for the email savvy folks. That would work for me. I just tend to feel a bit miffed if/when I don't get some sort of a thanks, and I know my mother and grandmother feel hurt and then miffed when the younger generations don't acknowledge these things.
A thank you is a gift in itself. Graciousness is a virtue that many could stand to practice more. :)
I write thank you notes for special occasion gifts, like the arrival of a new baby or a birthday with a zero in it. and I take the time to say what the gift was and why I liked it. For lesser events, if I've thanked the giver in person I don't think a note is required, therefore I don't usually do them for the kids' birthday presents, nor Christmas neither.
I think a proper thank you is very important, even in the digital age. Individual thanks, whether via mail or email, is a must to me.
I am appalled to receive thank you notes for wedding gifts, baby shower gifts, etc that simply say: "Thank you for the gift" with the person's signature. They might as well have written: "I had to thank you, so here it is".
Ten years ago I wrote 10 thank you notes a day (no bare bones ones) until I finished with all our gifts. When someone goes to the trouble and expense to honor your special occasion, a thank you note hardly seems a stretch.
Phew. Stepping off my soap box now.
I really "should" do this more. I agree that perhaps it helps the recipient to appreciate what they've been given. We're often too busy these days for common courtesy aren't we? And I don't think it's making the world a better place.
Interesting and thought provoking post. Thanks. :)
We seem to have a mixture of thank yous! I didn't realise that until reading your post. I love snail mail and will send thank yous that way often. When it comes to the girls they will do both. Miss 16 will send an email (individual ones)but at 16 that can seem like an effort! I don't let her off the hook though! and Miss 9 loves to send emails with about 100 smileys and other emoticons added for extra affect, but she still loves to do a drawing in a handmade card to send as well
You may remember that I emailed thank yous after my party - I am not sure it matters HOW the thank you is conveyed but simply that it IS conveyed....
with a personal touch if possible..
I have to admit I am aweful when it comes to thankyou notes :(
I never find time to send them, and this post just reminded me that i definitely SHOULD find the time!!
I think Mary has a good point about emailed thank yous. They can be very well done when personalised and very useful when one doesn't know the sender's postal address which is often the case with the blogging community!
I think I'm the only one among my friends, who's still sending Christmas card when the occasion is here. I just love the thrill when I get a mail from somebody! Although I didn't get many mails in return, instead of ecards, text messages.. saying thank you's, I'll keep the tradition going... hoping one day, they'll come around.
Great post! We always write and say thank you. The children aged 19, 10, 8 and 4)know that this is expected of them and prepare to do the 'bread and butter' letters straight after birthdays or Christmas, or if they get an unexpected present. No idea why they are called bread and butter... my mum used to say that!
(I get irritated with people who wont send any more presents to people who dont thank them... how small minded is that. We have a couple of those in my family and it drives me MAD!)
Appreciation is so important. So is gratitude. And is relatively easy to do.
Love your blog!
I agree that Thanks Yous are very important. We all forget or get side tracked and may mess up sometimes, but as a general rule of etiquette, it is just rude not to. I am proud to see so many young people that I know follow through with this It is rare when I run across anyone that doesn't. I feel like emailing and invites over the internet are fine. Times are busy and emailing just makes sense to fit in all of our busy lifes. Another great post!
Just a thankyou of any kind is really appreciated - especially in this day and age where with all the electronic media, there is just NO excuse !!
The last few WEDDINGS we have been to have lacked formal thankyous, whcih I think is just rude - especially the one where I went to a LOT of trouble to organise it to go overseas, and hell, did it even get there ?
After some time, I timidly emailled the mother of the groom, who I also knew, just to ensure it was received, that it GOT THERE !
Just rude.
Like Stomper, for BIG occasions, I like the handwritten route - even if it can be a headspin after, say, a birth or wedding. It's a big event, and you should mention the gift by name, and why you like it.
But like Mary, the same can be conveyed in a personal ( not bulk! ) email. I must admit, i've done funky, ( thoughtful! ) Christmas greeting via email for the past few years ... I keep MEANING to do cards, but... I just run out of time. I do send out post-Christmas cards though, with Xmas pics of the kid(s), to older reliatives and far away ones though, such as my Grandma.
So i'm a bit all over the shop, I guess :)
Post a Comment