The art of small talk

SMALL TALK
It is no easy matter to talk well. A man may read many books, and have a tenacious memory, and a sound judgment, and no small portion of critical acumen. He may express his thoughts in elegant language; he may season his discourse with wit, and be a living lexicon, and a walking encyclopedia; and yet, after all, be but a dull every-day companion. All the world don't read books; and all who do read, do not care about them; but every body loves to talk. There is something very pleasant in hearing the sound of one's own voice; and when we are wearied with toil, or tired with thought, we love to chat, to set the tongue in motion, to relieve the sense of weariness.

A Manual of Politeness, comprising the principles of etiquette, and rules of behaviour in genteel society, for persons of both sexes. 1837, published by WM Marshall & Co, Philadelphia (via google books).

We all know those people among our circles who are natural raconteurs; the ones who can describe a trip to the supermarket in such a way that we feel disappointed we weren't there with them. Often they will regale people they have just met with such tales.

But small talk doesn't come easy to us all.

The Manual of Politeness goes on to offer the following observation:

The mistake is common, though not for that reason less a mistake, to imagine that it is the easiest matter in the world to talk about nothing, or every-day occurrences: it requires an active mind, an observant mind, and no small share of that invaluable, unpurchasable, and unlearnable quality, good humour, to say something on every thing to any body. It has been sometimes noticed, as a remarkable and amiable trait in the characters of some men, of very superior minds, that they have been able and willing to make themselves agreeable to children; and not unfrequently has it been observed of great monarchs, that they had something to say to every body.

And perhaps that is the key? The art of small talk lies in being comfortable talking to anyone at any time. But how do we learn this skill?

With two girls in my household, there is usually no end to the chatter, but I was interested to hear the Principal of my youngest daughter's school outline that the school has a 'method' for teaching the children to be confident in interacting with others, particularly adults. They must:

• look the person in the eye
• respond to the greeting, and if it included a question, answer it with more than a 'yes' or 'no', and most importantly,
• follow up with a question of their own.

So a conversation with a teacher in the morning may go along the lines of:

Teacher: Hello Jessica! Did you have a good weekend?

Jessica: I did Mrs Teacher, I went to stay at my grandparents.
What did you do on the weekend?

And there you go, it's Conversation 101 for six year olds. The Principal went on to say that after a while, the students aim to be the initiator of any interaction so that they get 'their' questions in first!

Listening to older students interacting with their parents, I suspect those lessons may need to be re-learned. One-word answers seem to be the go with many young teens, and I don't know if it is shyness or disinterest, but I find few who initiate a conversation with an adult they don't know well.

Perhaps it is a lack of a shared knowledge and interests?

The Manual of Politeness says, "Let but the topics of the day be known, the last novel, or picture, or public singer, and all the conversation may be anticipated," but when you have to ask your fellow conversation-er for an explanation of exactly who Justin Beiber is, it is clear there are no longer universal "topics of the day".

Safe small talk topics here in Melbourne once included the football, free-to-air TV and the top stories in that day's Age. With a diversifying population those topics are no longer (if they ever were) known to all. Some people in this fair city don't even follow AFL football (I know! Shock!), television is delivered via a multitude of free-to-air and pay-TV channels and people obtain their news from a variety of mainstream and online media. We can't make assumptions, particularly in meeting strangers.

So how do we strike up those conversations? What are your sure-fire topics to get the ball rolling, or tips that help with the art of small talk?