Etiquette in Australia by Mrs Erskine
published by William Brooks & Co, Sydney in 1911.
Speak to any person of the most mature years about the giving of presents and one of the comments they will inevitably make is that the younger generations never thank them adequately for their gifts.
In this age of letters, faxes, e-mail, SMS, instant-messaging, Facebook pokes and phone calls, what is the acceptable etiquette of thanking someone for a gift? And how do we broach the gulf in expectations and understanding between generations?
As a child brought up in an age when mail was the only reasonable way of communicating with friends and family members who lived some distance away, my grandmother would have, as a matter of course, written thank you letters on many hundreds of occasions. Thank you for your gift. Thank you for your hospitality. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for your sympathy. It was the accepted way of acknowledging the effort and thought another person had extended towards you.
She, like many of her generation, therefore expects (and extends) written acknowledgement of gifts. And the acknowledgement should be prompt. I’ve watched her sit down on Boxing Day morning with a set of note cards, writing thanks for gifts she received on Christmas Day.
Her great-grandchildren, on the other hand, are natives of the digital-generation. For them communication with people half a world away can be instantaneous and can take a great many forms. Asking an eleven year old to sit down with paper and a pen and handwrite a number of thank you letters after a birthday party, is akin to asking them to pull their fingernails out one by one (and just as torturous for the parent concerned).
Yet, I persist in nagging my daughters to write thank you letters after their birthdays because to me, the very act of writing the note to the giver of a gift forces you to contemplate and appreciate the effort and thought that went into the selection of the present (or the writing of the cheque!) and communicate this appreciation.
I let the youngest cheat a little, by just asking her to sign her name on letters I’ve written for her. It’s not that difficult, but it does require some effort on their behalf, and they need to do it within a day (or three or four…) of receiving the gift.
I do however, have my own special 'thank you caveat'…I don’t make the girls write Christmas gift thank you letters, and I don’t write them myself. We thank people personally or ring them because let’s face it, who wants to spend the Christmas break forcing children to write letters when there are beaches to be visited, and icecreams to be eaten?
Perhaps I’m old-fashioned and out-of-touch to insist my girls send thank you letters through the post? Perhaps it would be just as acceptable for them to SMS their thanks? Or send e-mails? Maybe they could just phone everyone? Or instant-message them if they catch them on-line?
I worry though, that a pain-free and fleeting method of communicating a ‘thank you’, removes the contemplation time a written note involves. A ‘thank you’ can be casually tossed out verbally with very little actual thought.
Some of those methods may not meet the expectations of all of the givers either. Anything short of a handwritten envelope in the mailbox with a stamp attached may come up short of my grandmother's generation's requirements, and with gift-giving being a two-way process is it not disrespectful and inconsiderate to refuse to play the part that generation expects?
Maybe I need to develop a multi-tiered system of thank you categories depending on the age and expectations of the gift-givers? Handwritten letters for great-grandmothers, word-processed letters for grandparents and great-aunts, e-mails for anyone internet-friendly, and a casual verbal, ‘Thanks,’ for school friends?
What do you suggest? (But please, don’t expect me to handwrite a thank you letter for your advice!)
